can you see through the Fog or is your water clear??

When you stand and look at a river you can sometimes see the bottom and sometimes you can’t! Sort of like our lives sometimes there is times when things are super clear and other times they are super foggy. I have been thinking about this a lot in the last bit as I have been trying hard to figure out who I am........there are some friends that would really close the door on me in the last little bit due to my choices and that is there choice, and there are some who would really support me, if you know the struggles I have had you are lucky. Some will know some and others will know others, I think I can count on 1 hand those that know all the struggles I have been going through, but that is neither here or there. The point is I hit my lowest point in the last month, it was not the divorce, it was not that I was per say alone; it was that I was alone!
I have friends yes, but sometimes you get to that point where you want to be you, you don’t want to call a friend and hear “how are you doing?......oh and how is the divorce going?” sometimes we need to hear “how are you doing? Hey I was thinking we should get together and have some fun” or “hey how are you really feeling?” and let the person cry, don’t try to fix it, don’t say it will get better (because it is not better right now), if they say something you know is not in the their beliefs let them have their moments, truly support your friends and say hey it is going to be okay in time….time heals things!
I think the thing that has been the hardest, is I have hide for almost the last 2 months my thoughts and feelings and it has been too much, I turned to someone I knew would not judge me at all, and walked down a road that was a hard emotional road, BUT it taught me a TON! I still respect that person a lot and it is not their fault, that road became what it was it was and it is my fault. A lot of it had and has to do with self-confidence and self-esteem, when you are looking for that sometimes you do things you should not do. Have I changed things totally yet? No, I am at the point totally, I know I need too but what I need to do and what I want to do it not always on the same page. Do I want to talk to everyone about where I am? NO……so if you don’t know what is this part is all about please leave it there (I am working on it slowly) with time I will figure it all out.
For those do know, close and far, THANK-YOU, for helping me become a little stronger, thank you for helping work on my self-esteem, thank you for not judging me. I am a simple girl who just needs a little true love to get through a tough spot. To laugh and be me, some of that is the good girl that some think and believe and should be and some is not, Heaven knows we all go through our moments when we need to figure out who we are and where we come from.
I am thankful for a person I now called a friend who has helped me see whether we are living the best LDS life or not, there is always still a God that loves us and is there for us and I am thankful for that. I know that I am loved by God too, and the rest will come together how it is suppose too. (and what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas right? J) Sometime, we settle for things and sometimes we shouldn’t and we should fight to be the person we need to be or fight for something we really want. All I know is because of this friend I have a different out look on life and I am thankful for that, I am thankful for the chance to get to know them and I am so thankful for our chats, I hope you have enjoyed them as much as me. Life is amazing and we need to remember that.
 My current goal right now is to not be so hard on myself and take time to see the beauty in life.

happy birthday to me!

Today was my birthday, I did the best I could with the day, took the kids to school came home to visit with some friends have some laughs and then off for lunch at Denny’s, got a FREE lunch because was my birthday (didn’t know the really did that) and then went shopping just had a quiet me day till I pick up kids from school. Then it was to drop DAM at cubs and the I went grocery shopping back to pick him up and then I rushed home to drop him off and then to end my birthday off I went to Aqua size, I am really starting to love it, if I could get up earlier in the morning I would start my day off with it but I am not that good sadly (mornings have never been a strong point) and then on my way home I stopped and picked up flowers for myself as that was all I really wanted for my birthday other to be held and cuddled but that was not sadly going to happen so I settled for my flowers!
So here is to a new year, a new leaf turned over……a GREAT year ahead!

please forgive me I am going as.......Fast As I Can

This song is so close to how I feel I am going as fast as I can! I want so bad to be loved and needed but at that same point I know when I stop myself to trully think about it I am so far from wanting to say "I love you" yet, the chance to be hurt again is not something I want right now. I know it will come with time but at this point I just need a friend. I don't want to have someone saying "hey do you want to sleep with me?" I don't need someone wanting to show me things, I know I have encouraged at times some ideas but right now more than anything even if I don't say it right now is I need a friend I need support for what I am going through this divorce has taken me through the ringers even if I dont want to say it, even if I want to PRETEND i am totally fine I AM NOT..... I am getting better with it all but I have a MILLION emotions going on right now, one day things will be at a point where I want to be loved in that way again but right now please be my friend...............or dont but please allow me to heal some. Sure I should be strong enough to tell people how I feel but I am not there yet.....I have been through a ton of mental and emotional abuse, I have a fear of standing up for myself so please allow me to grow and change......so one day I will allow myself to be loved again!

a time to think, and to say thank you for the memories.....

Well I have now had a few days to myself, and well let me tell you......it is a lot harder than I thought it was going to be, I did go work at the storage unit for a few days this week but today I just went to the chiropractor and then back home as I hurt and wanted to lay with the heating pad. It has been hard to get use to the silence that goes with the day now.....no one yelling at me, no one needing me (other than  the odd calls from the school because someone forgot something) but it is plain simple me time....today I am kinda going stir crazy wondering what to do.... I think it is time to go to the gym I need to get into the habit of it; my goal is to get healthier and feel better about myself.

These last few days alone though have given me a lot of time to think which has been good and bad, I have had a few moments of tears as I was at the storage unit as I was “throwing” away my life that I once had, there is was moments of anger and moments of happiness and excitement to move forward and be happy instead of the unhappy person I had become. I am so quick to look at the negative and I am trying to so hard to look at the positive first now, it is super hard to change your way of thinking but I am try.

I want to say to my ex, thank you for my kids, thank you for letting me become a mother, thank you for the 9.5yrs some of it was really good to me and others years not so much but it taught me what I want and need in life, thank you for giving me the chance to have a second chance. I know once there was some happiness there for me, I think back to our wedding day and I do remember the joy and how excited I was to be marrying you for time and eternity now I am excited for the last paper to come so I can be free of the hurt and pain I have felt for the last few years, well actually more than that but such is life. I feel like a caged animal waiting to be free and getting a little more stir crazy all the time, I know it is close and I know I could have had to wait a lot longer, but I am glad I did not have to, you got to move on and find what you say makes you happy and I should have that right too!

I am sorry that you don’t see the wonderful part of being a parent and you are going to miss out on these wonderful kids growing up. They miss you but even that is slowly starting to fade, they want the dad that is there to play with, and tell them all the cool things that happened in their day Skype is just not the same thing. You allowed someone and something else to come before then and you said you would never do that, it angered me for a long time and now I look at from a different point………you CHOOSE that not me, and when the door is closed from them it will not be my fault it will be your own, I tell them often that daddy loved them but even that I have stepped back on back I want them to learn and see on their own. It is your situation and not mine and I have to remember that. I have to be the best mom they need and be happy too so I have had to close this door in my world, your pictures are still here and they come up on the computer often even though I hate it and would love to delete them all but I have said I can’t delete you that have to do that themselves. I wish you the best of luck with this…..I wish you could see how important they are…………but it is your choice and not mine.

It has been 256 since you said you didn’t want to be married any more, 247 since I found out about the “girl” and It has been 238 since you moved out…..and 3232 of calling myself your wife…..those dates well stay with me for some time but I know the hurt of them will fade one day and I look forward to that so that I may able to move on and find someone else who will love me and treat me the way I deserve to be.
I do thank you for what we did have and the love we had a one point, I will not forget you as my second love and my first husband…..K will always be my first partner and D will always be my first husband….but one day I hope to find my true love….I know it will be hard for another person to come into my life as I do have a lot of history and I do the kids but a person who truly loves me will let my past go.

apparently I am amazing ;)

well here is the letter I received tonight, I cried all the way through it, many mixed emotions, Megan you have become a person that I trust FULLY and that takes a lot TRUST me. You have been someone that has not judge me at all and allow me to be me, and I am truly grateful for that.

Megan thank you for being the best friend someone could ask for! And thank you for helping me see when I am not seeing something I should be it is hard at times.

and I put it here so I would never lose it!

Christine,

I know life hasn’t been easy on you. I also know that is brings about a lot of changes. Sometimes we venture off onto new paths of uncertainty. If there was anything in the world that I would wish, is that you would seek true happiness. It does not have to be in anyone but you. You are a great person who has faced many things.

I truly admire the strength that you find to carry on daily. Raising 3 precious children amongst everything you have to face. Not everyone can do that. I know there are days that you feel like you have failed, or that things have failed you. The truth is, it happens to makes become a little stronger. It may not seem like it, and trust me I have been there more than once, but is really worth it.

You must take a look at yourself and face the world head on. Easier said than done, I get it. I really do. Often times I feel like a flower quickly fading, here today and gone tomorrow. Really, it seems like a downer. But when I truly sit back and think about it, I know that things are the way they are to truly teach us something. Let’s face it, life is cruel. We all know that. But it comes down to choice. We can either make the best of it, or dread that another tomorrow and ray of sunshine is upon us. We make the choice to face the day. No matter how hard it is. No matter how tired we are, and even when we feel like all our efforts are simply wasted.

If I could show you how far you have come with open eyes, you would see a whole new world. I will always be your support and let you know how much I love you. You don’t have to start the day when the war begins. But you need to start with you. I know things are scary and your feelings do matter. Never think that they don’t. I see a great woman of potential!! You are going to succeed in this world!! I will always be there, whether it is in body or spirit.

Time to start with you girl!! You will find rest when you least expect it. Things are not always done when we want them to be, I have learned this. I also know that the world is a scary place. But as you embark on your new adventure in life, I want you to know how very proud I am of you! I always wondered if I could have the courage that you have. You amaze me! We never see what others see. This is what it is!

If I knew years ago what I knew now, I may have made some different choices in life. I know there is a reason that I had to through things that hurt. Things that made me crazy and things that in the end broke me down and gave me a softer side. I have always hated the saying “life is what you make it” even more so now, I hate to admit that it’s true. Just look at it through. It speaks volumes. Truth rings through it even if we don’t want it to.

You have made me the best that I am by being you. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You are not alone. You never will be! I know I can’t take away your fears, or your pain. Trust me I would like nothing more. Perhaps there is something amongst that part of your adversity that you need to accept and learn. No it’s not fair, but remembers wherever the road leads, you face the unknown, and I am always beside you.

Whenever you feel down, read this. Know that I love you for you. Never change who you are. You will figure out your place in this world soon enough. Don’t rush life. Don’t let it pass you by, there are so many amazing thing to see. It is a world of opportunity. Sometimes the knock is soft, and sometimes there is a sledge hammer knocking that door down. Answer that knock. Live your dreams. Aspire to be the best in the world. You need to do that for you. No one can tell you where to turn, or when to jump. Those decisions are solely your own. Just do me a favour, look before you leap. Because I know I have jumped in the mud a few times and it is a pain in the butt to clean up, especially when it dries fast!!

Don’t be sad or dismayed with whatever happens. I am good with life. I am good with wherever my time is going. Who knows, maybe I will surpass them and live to 50. One can only dream, and dreams are good. They make life worth living. I know that it is hard to believe when you have seen me break down and cry and be done with everything. In my heart, I know it is true though. I may not want to always admit it as to me it admits defeat. I may be head strong, and try to look the other way from the cruelties of life~but hey, that’s me!

You are wonderful and beautiful, that is what I see when I look at you. My opinion and you can’t make me change it! I love you Christine! You have become a big inspiration in my life! Never sell yourself short. Live life and live it well! Always remember, I will always be proud of everything your aspire to be. Know that you blessed my life by being a part of it and made me smile when everything around me has crumbled.

I hope you find true peace and comfort. You are worth more than you realize. Just try and give yourself a little more credit. Besides the board you are beating yourself with belongs to me, and I am taking it back!!

Not a day will go by that I won’t wish I was here with you. Just know that through everything we will always have memories that will make us reflect, and even grow. Take this time to do what you need. Take this time to run with the wind. No matter what happens, do not let sadness engulf you. It is going to be okay in the end. We will all find our peace someday. We just have to learn not to let the opportunity slip away. You are a great mother to Dallin, Joshua, and Sara. Your children are amazing because of you! When they smile, reflect in their love!

I love you lots girl!! And yes, I know this will make you cry, but never forget it!! You have more self-worth than you give yourself credit for! Keep your chin up and boobs out!!

Love you lots, always and forever!!

Megan

how much humble pie must I eat?

have you ever felt like your world is fallin in around you? well that is how I feel this week(yes, the week is just starting). I question if there is a God at this point, I am so tried of struggling and hardly making it by, yes this is my pity party and I will cry if I want too.....I just really wonder how much more humble pie I must eat?

As of this morning, I started of with still having no money from Social Assistance because they were not believing me that I did not get into school and that I had cashed my student loan money, no I did not! But my worker does not even call to say that she put the money in the account....I had to just keep calling the check line to figure it out, I want to know how some people can play the system and seem to get everything they need and wanted and here I am honest with them and I am on my 3 eviction notice because of it....it is just so frustrating to me, I hate feeling like I having nothing and I have to keep asking for more.

I walk into the school already feeling very easily frustrated, had to tell the "DAM" and "JAM" teacher and aid I still had not finished my parent homework as I was dealing with a different problem last night, as the tears roll down my face, I don't want to lose my best friend....where is life going to be without her????
but then the daycare lady comes to talk to me to 1. make sure she had Sara all afternoon and that she had the boys and 2. to tell me I did not get full subsidy and I am going to have to pay $653 a month....All I could say to her was, I will make some phone calls and I will pay you later because I needed to go.

I then go over to Wal-Mart as I needed to get a lunch for the "Sam" as I forgot...I walked around for a little bit but the silence was so hard, it has been over 8yrs since I have felt this lonely.....I didn't feel needed today as I had no one to take care of.....(dumb I know) Went to go drop of the lunch off back at the school and pull around the corner and lost it.....I just burst into tears, the emotions of EVERYTHING just hit me....so freaking hard to be struggling all the time. Went in and gave her lunch to the daycare and came back out.  I was going to go to the gym to workout but decided that was a BAD idea, headphones music and endorphins working I knew I would cry hard today, instead I went to my next favorite spot......the STORAGE unit to deal with more emotions...

Emailed the ex after I was a little calmer to remind him he needs to help with this all too. School fees, School supplies, daycare, cubs it all adds up so much, he promised he would always take care of his kids first, that was a lie......I would love to smack him and tell him he is a ass 95% of the time but I play nice, all I want is the kids to be looken after and not just me digging myself a big pretty hole because of it, I did not sign up for that, I never asked to share my husband with someone else, I wanted him to be here to love us and take care of us, otherwise I would have never had kids(though I do love my kids), I hate that they are going through this all, I try super hard to keep them out of it but heaven knows that is not always going to be possible. it is just so hard and I am tried of hearing from him to ask the church for help......it is SUPPOSE to be HIM helping me.....All I want is for him to get a job and provied for his kids, I don't even care about me....it is them. Hell and maybe a dad but that is not going to happen with him being a plane ride away in all, and telling the kids you live next to Disney Land ya that was AWESOME dumbass.....they don't understand how far and how much money is involved they think they could go tomorrow if they want, but i forgot you had to be the "cool" parent....be the cool parent and help then.....I wish you would have never lied to them and said it was all going to be the same and that it would be good with daddy so far away, you are a  lying sack of crap, they hate it, they hate skype for the most part, all they want is a sleepover at daddy's house or to even go play at the park, and they are NOT going to get that from you anytime soon sadly.

You are a Survivor

This song rings out huge to me tonight, this song reminds we of one of the most amazing woman in my life.

MEGAN

A person that has become my best friend, and I did not even know she had cancer, not once did she complain, there has never been a pity party or woe is me.

I have watched you grow so much Megan, I look up to you and your grace of how you have done this all, I would have lost it if I was in the same shoes.

Up till tonight, I would have said you were almost in human but than the side I have not seen a lot of came out.

My Heart aches, I wish I could take away your pain, I wish I could take away your hurt, I wish I could be the night is shining armour to say hell we are going to get through this. I am here for WHATEVER you need. You will not see me walk away, I am here till the end for you. You are my family you are my best friend and a person that has never judge me in my crazy moments. it means a lot.

I love you lots and I am here for you, please let me help.....as much as I can.

are you distracted?

this is the new signs on the highway-----------if you were just coming into Alberta and did no research would you know what this means??????

This is the sign Sherwood Park Alberta has and let me tell you, there is no mistake on this....I am sure you could add a few other things on there if needed but at least you know there is no cell phone use allowed without your hands free.....

Over all I am not a fan of the new law, as I see many other things that distract me in my van....ie my kids....not being able to look at my phone at red lights LOL and again fighting kids oh or still talking to some one on your hands free, depending the conversation your mind is still not going to be where it needs to be, I think there are so many other things we could have focused on ie: speeding through a play ground zone, drinking and driving.....All said and done I hope it makes the roads a little safe but so far I just see more people trying to hide it and I see more problems with that!

Welcome to Crazy is as Crazy does....my spot to vent!

Well the time has come for me to have my own crazy spot......I was trying to figure out how to balance between my life, the kids life, and the old life and I came to this, I needed a spot to vent for me.
If you want to be here, be here and if you don't, don't.....this is for me! it is my little spot to vent about the happy, the sad, the bad and the most angry moments and there maybe days the ex becomes a anger topic and guess what.....I WILL SAY WHAT IS ON MY MIND! I have tried for so long to be polite but that has left....I am going to go back to the family blog and take off my rants from there and move them here but from today forward this is Christine's spot to talk!

Thank you for letting me be me!

I have a hard time saying Thank you, and well I think I need to......


To the Mexican that has taught me a TON, he is the person I feel the safest with, I trust him with my life at this point, I know he would not hurt me and I know he would kick any ones butt that hurt me, we might now talk every day and we might not totally understand each other all the time but he is someone that holds a special place in my heart, he made a comment 2 weeks ago that keep replying in my mind, "this is the happiest I have seen you, you need to find that more" As I cried most of the way home that night I realized he was right, he has watched me go through some of the TOUGHEST moments in my life, close and afar....my tears have been shed and some he knows nothing about but yet helped me through that moment. My heart aches for him when he hurts too....I want to take away his pain, it is hard to watch someone be hurt by the person that is suppose to love them. His kind and gentle heart gets him hurt. All I can say without saying to much is THANK-YOU from the bottom of my heart, thank you for being my support, thank you for keeping me safe and thank you for teaching me who I am now to stand up and fight more for me.....(lets see how that goes :) )

To the closest friend I have ever had, who can make me cry in 30seconds flat and well call me on things.....
I have never felt so happy to see you and in the same breath so scared to see you.....I know it has been a few years and yet it feels like just yesterday at the same point. I am so happy to see you married and happy, I could never have wished for more for you....I miss that we don't talk as much but I know why and I am again okay with that. hard to believe this year will be 19-20yrs since we met, how time has gone by.....we have seen many phases in each others lives, dating other people, dating/playing ourselves....dating others some more, moving, getting married, having kids, and now me going through a divorce and me trying to figure out me again.....you are one of the first ones to call me on things, hence why I was afraid to see you...and talk to you, I did not want to be called on things and I knew I couldn't lie to you which hurt more because I just wanted to lie this weekend I wanted to pretend everything was so good and so wonderful and I couldn't. There is not many that will EVER truly know what I am going through right now, but I knew without a doubt you would be the last person to judge me and I needed that, I needed a safe place, and I need to know that I was still loved, and even know sitting here crying hearing the words that you are "loved and don't forget it" still hurt.....I am struggling to know that, I want it so much but so afraid it is not true. The fear of being alone, the fear of not being loved is a huge thing....and just the simple words means alot. I am thankful for the perspective you put on things, you always make it seem possible vs the impossible which I tend to lean too sadly. I guess it is so easy to trust you and the things you say because of where I know we have both been, I know we have always had our different struggles (some have been the same) but for the most part we have both been able to pick up the pieces and become amazing in our own lives. I know for me I will be able to do it again but it is probably going to a little more time then I was really wanting to admit too, but as I think of the red water and how it became white I know without a doubt mine will become white again one day again. Thank you for being a cheerleader for some many years, Thank you for being the person to tell me when I am being dumb and telling me when I am doing GREAT. Thank you for being you and being amazing your family is blessed to have you.

To the person, I have never met in person but has become a GREAT friend, thank you for not judging me for being the person I cant talk to and be myself, many little night talks and many good laughs and a few tears shed in there. You are a person I think a ton of you are a hard worker, a person that deserves to be loved. in a short time you have taught me to be a little easier (well maybe a LOT) on myself, to give myself a break that we are allowed to have short comings and that we are not always going to be perfect and that has been a hard one for me, I want so badly to be perfect for everyone but myself and all that is doing is hurting myself, so here is to slowly finding myself and being a little easier on myself. I would love to one day sit and talk face to face, it may never happen but know that you have played a part in helping me find myself again since this evil divorce. Thank you for the friendship, and thank you for the laughs when I needed them.

To my dear friend who is harder on herself than me....(which trust me is a hard thing) thank you for allowing me to be me...we have both been through some hard moments in the last few months both going through dumb male issues, but in a away I am glad  for those dumb male issues you have become one of my best female friends and that takes alot, (as there is to much drama in females at times) our many hours of talking on the phone and many texts back and forth....I don't know where I would be without you....i wish I could take away your hard times but I know we all need them a little so we can enjoy the GREAT times a little more! I just hope one day we slow down a little in our lives

To the longest closest female friend......LOL you are so lucky to have a CRAZY me in your life.....thank you for being a GREAT aunt to my kids and thank you for not judging me in my craziness this weekend...or ever as I know there is alot of times I would have thrown me to the side ;) I wish you were closer I miss hanging out as much.....thank you for allowing me to be me....

There are many others, but these are just a few that have helped in the last few weeks a TON!!!! and I needed it! :) thank-you.....I struggle a ton to allow me to be me, and I am struggling to know who and what I want so it is nice when friends are there to support you in your crazy moments!