have you ever felt like your world is fallin in around you? well that is how I feel this week(yes, the week is just starting). I question if there is a God at this point, I am so tried of struggling and hardly making it by, yes this is my pity party and I will cry if I want too.....I just really wonder how much more humble pie I must eat?
As of this morning, I started of with still having no money from Social Assistance because they were not believing me that I did not get into school and that I had cashed my student loan money, no I did not! But my worker does not even call to say that she put the money in the account....I had to just keep calling the check line to figure it out, I want to know how some people can play the system and seem to get everything they need and wanted and here I am honest with them and I am on my 3 eviction notice because of it....it is just so frustrating to me, I hate feeling like I having nothing and I have to keep asking for more.
I walk into the school already feeling very easily frustrated, had to tell the "DAM" and "JAM" teacher and aid I still had not finished my parent homework as I was dealing with a different problem last night, as the tears roll down my face, I don't want to lose my best friend....where is life going to be without her????
but then the daycare lady comes to talk to me to 1. make sure she had Sara all afternoon and that she had the boys and 2. to tell me I did not get full subsidy and I am going to have to pay $653 a month....All I could say to her was, I will make some phone calls and I will pay you later because I needed to go.
I then go over to Wal-Mart as I needed to get a lunch for the "Sam" as I forgot...I walked around for a little bit but the silence was so hard, it has been over 8yrs since I have felt this lonely.....I didn't feel needed today as I had no one to take care of.....(dumb I know) Went to go drop of the lunch off back at the school and pull around the corner and lost it.....I just burst into tears, the emotions of EVERYTHING just hit me....so freaking hard to be struggling all the time. Went in and gave her lunch to the daycare and came back out. I was going to go to the gym to workout but decided that was a BAD idea, headphones music and endorphins working I knew I would cry hard today, instead I went to my next favorite spot......the STORAGE unit to deal with more emotions...
Emailed the ex after I was a little calmer to remind him he needs to help with this all too. School fees, School supplies, daycare, cubs it all adds up so much, he promised he would always take care of his kids first, that was a lie......I would love to smack him and tell him he is a ass 95% of the time but I play nice, all I want is the kids to be looken after and not just me digging myself a big pretty hole because of it, I did not sign up for that, I never asked to share my husband with someone else, I wanted him to be here to love us and take care of us, otherwise I would have never had kids(though I do love my kids), I hate that they are going through this all, I try super hard to keep them out of it but heaven knows that is not always going to be possible. it is just so hard and I am tried of hearing from him to ask the church for help......it is SUPPOSE to be HIM helping me.....All I want is for him to get a job and provied for his kids, I don't even care about me....it is them. Hell and maybe a dad but that is not going to happen with him being a plane ride away in all, and telling the kids you live next to Disney Land ya that was AWESOME dumbass.....they don't understand how far and how much money is involved they think they could go tomorrow if they want, but i forgot you had to be the "cool" parent....be the cool parent and help then.....I wish you would have never lied to them and said it was all going to be the same and that it would be good with daddy so far away, you are a lying sack of crap, they hate it, they hate skype for the most part, all they want is a sleepover at daddy's house or to even go play at the park, and they are NOT going to get that from you anytime soon sadly.
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