Well I have now had a few days to myself, and well let me tell you......it is a lot harder than I thought it was going to be, I did go work at the storage unit for a few days this week but today I just went to the chiropractor and then back home as I hurt and wanted to lay with the heating pad. It has been hard to get use to the silence that goes with the day now.....no one yelling at me, no one needing me (other than the odd calls from the school because someone forgot something) but it is plain simple me time....today I am kinda going stir crazy wondering what to do.... I think it is time to go to the gym I need to get into the habit of it; my goal is to get healthier and feel better about myself.
These last few days alone though have given me a lot of time to think which has been good and bad, I have had a few moments of tears as I was at the storage unit as I was “throwing” away my life that I once had, there is was moments of anger and moments of happiness and excitement to move forward and be happy instead of the unhappy person I had become. I am so quick to look at the negative and I am trying to so hard to look at the positive first now, it is super hard to change your way of thinking but I am try.
I want to say to my ex, thank you for my kids, thank you for letting me become a mother, thank you for the 9.5yrs some of it was really good to me and others years not so much but it taught me what I want and need in life, thank you for giving me the chance to have a second chance. I know once there was some happiness there for me, I think back to our wedding day and I do remember the joy and how excited I was to be marrying you for time and eternity now I am excited for the last paper to come so I can be free of the hurt and pain I have felt for the last few years, well actually more than that but such is life. I feel like a caged animal waiting to be free and getting a little more stir crazy all the time, I know it is close and I know I could have had to wait a lot longer, but I am glad I did not have to, you got to move on and find what you say makes you happy and I should have that right too!
I am sorry that you don’t see the wonderful part of being a parent and you are going to miss out on these wonderful kids growing up. They miss you but even that is slowly starting to fade, they want the dad that is there to play with, and tell them all the cool things that happened in their day Skype is just not the same thing. You allowed someone and something else to come before then and you said you would never do that, it angered me for a long time and now I look at from a different point………you CHOOSE that not me, and when the door is closed from them it will not be my fault it will be your own, I tell them often that daddy loved them but even that I have stepped back on back I want them to learn and see on their own. It is your situation and not mine and I have to remember that. I have to be the best mom they need and be happy too so I have had to close this door in my world, your pictures are still here and they come up on the computer often even though I hate it and would love to delete them all but I have said I can’t delete you that have to do that themselves. I wish you the best of luck with this…..I wish you could see how important they are…………but it is your choice and not mine.
It has been 256 since you said you didn’t want to be married any more, 247 since I found out about the “girl” and It has been 238 since you moved out…..and 3232 of calling myself your wife…..those dates well stay with me for some time but I know the hurt of them will fade one day and I look forward to that so that I may able to move on and find someone else who will love me and treat me the way I deserve to be.
I do thank you for what we did have and the love we had a one point, I will not forget you as my second love and my first husband…..K will always be my first partner and D will always be my first husband….but one day I hope to find my true love….I know it will be hard for another person to come into my life as I do have a lot of history and I do the kids but a person who truly loves me will let my past go.
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